DR SAM BARCHAM, UK CHARTERED COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGIST
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As Christmas approaches, the festive season can evoke a mix of emotions for those living abroad. Relocating abroad often means being physically separated from family and loved ones, which can make the holidays feel especially isolating. Whether due to personal family issues or logistical difficulties, many expats find themselves navigating this emotional landscape alone. A time of year that should bring joy might instead highlight feelings of disconnection or the pain of distant or estranged relationships. However, it is possible to manage these difficult emotions and create a meaningful holiday experience, even when it feels like the world might be celebrating without you.
THE GLOBAL LONELINESS EPIDEMIC
Loneliness is not unique to those living abroad. It has become a growing issue worldwide, especially among older adults. It is becoming such a significant issue that in 2023, the US surgeon general released an advisory note on the epidemic of loneliness and isolation. One recent survey found that one in four people globally experience loneliness. Additionally, the time spent socialising with friends has drastically declined over the years. In 2003, people spent an average of 60 minutes a day with friends, but by 2020, that number dropped to just 20 minutes. This dramatic reduction underscores the increasing isolation many face, and this can be accentuated during a season that emphasises family and connection.
Loneliness, although related, is not the same as social isolation. Loneliness can be described as the painful feeling of isolation or disconnection. It is true that a person can feel lonely even if they live and interact with other people. Likewise, someone can live alone and not feel lonely or isolated. Understanding the effects of loneliness, though, is essential. It is more than just a bad feeling—it harms the individual physically and mentally. Being socially disconnected has been compared to the equivalent of smoking two packs of cigarettes a day in terms of the impact on health.
In the case of older expats, loneliness can be compounded by the fact that they are often disconnected from their families, communities, and long-standing social networks. Moving to a new country may have provided opportunities for adventure or a fresh start, but it can also lead to the loss of close-knit support systems that were once relied on to feel seen, loved, and valued.
THE IMPACT OF FAMILY ESTRANGEMENT
For some, the feelings of loneliness during the holidays are further intensified by family estrangement. Whether due to unresolved conflicts, differing values, or the complexities of modern life, family estrangement can be particularly painful during Christmas, a holiday rooted in the ideas of family unity and togetherness. The gap between cultural expectations of holiday joy and the reality of family conflict can lead to feelings of guilt, regret, or sadness.
It’s important to understand that family estrangement, while difficult, is actually more common than many realise. You can find specialist support groups and communities that can be accessed online, which can be a source of support when going through something as difficult as family estrangement. Often, it helps to speak to a therapist who has specialist knowledge and experience in working with estrangement.
Even with these challenges, there are ways to find meaning and comfort during the holiday season.
EMBRACING NEW WAYS TO CONNECT
The antidote to loneliness is connection, whether with family, friends, or the community around you. While living abroad may make it difficult to maintain regular face-to-face contact with loved ones, it doesn’t mean you have to navigate the holidays alone.
Building close friendships is one way to fill the void left by estranged or distant family members. This could include fellow expats, local neighbours, or members of the community who understand the unique challenges of living far from home. Join local groups—whether it’s an exercise class, a book club, or volunteering—can help you establish new connections and can be a powerful way to combat feelings of isolation. Involvement in local community activities not only fosters a sense of belonging, but it can also give you a renewed sense of purpose during the holiday season and beyond.
While social media has its downsides, it can be a helpful tool for reconnecting with old friends and distant family members. A simple message or video call can go a long way in reducing feelings of isolation. For expats who may be estranged from family, consider reaching out to long-distance friends or acquaintances who may also be feeling lonely this time of year. Even brief interactions can provide emotional support and remind you that you’re not alone in your experience.
If direct communication with family is not an option due to estrangement, small gestures like sending a holiday card or message can provide a sense of closure or peace. Whether or not the gesture is reciprocated, it allows you to express goodwill and move forward on your terms.
RESILIENCE IN THE FACE OF LONELINESS
Living abroad as an older adult presents unique challenges, but it also offers opportunities for growth and resilience. Loneliness, if not addressed, can lead to chronic diseases, depression, and a range of other health issues. That’s why it’s crucial to proactively build resilience to help cope with these feelings, particularly during emotionally charged times like Christmas.
First, it’s important to acknowledge your emotions. Loneliness and family estrangement are difficult experiences, but suppressing these feelings often intensifies them. By acknowledging and accepting these emotions with kindness and compassion, you can take positive steps to improve your mental and emotional well-being.
Next, prioritise self-care. During the festive season, this might mean setting aside time for activities that bring you joy—whether it’s cooking a special meal, taking a long walk along the beach or attending a local holiday event. Acts of kindness, such as volunteering at a charity or helping a neighbour, can also really boost your mood and provide a sense of connection.
For those who practice a faith, attending local Christmas services or gatherings can offer spiritual comfort and foster a sense of community. Many countries have expatriate churches or English-speaking services, providing a cultural touchpoint during the holidays.
CREATING YOUR OWN TRADITIONS
While loneliness and estrangement are real and painful experiences for many older expats during Christmas, they don’t have to define the holiday season. By acknowledging these emotions, seeking community, and embracing new traditions, it’s possible to create a Christmas that feels fulfilling, even in a foreign country, when family is far away, or relationships are strained.. The holidays can be a time of reflection, personal growth, and connection—even if that connection comes from unexpected places.
ABOUT DR SAMANTHA BARCHAM
Dr. Samantha Barcham completed her clinical training at the prestigious Metanoia Institute in London, where she earned a doctorate in Counselling Psychology along with clinical diplomas in integrative and psychodynamic psychotherapy. Her extensive training included practical experience in diverse mental health settings, including a psychiatric hospital focused on complex mental illness, brain injury, and dementia. In her private practice, Dr. Barcham specializes in addressing complex trauma, late diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) in women, and family estrangement—the subject of her doctoral research. www.headspace-therapy.com,
Email: sam@headspace-therapy.com.
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